Seth Styers

Ryan Clearly Plans to Fuse Tebow and Sanchez, Right?

In trading for Tim Tebow, New York Jets coach Rex Ryan, one of the more, um, “unique” thinkers in the NFL, has tipped his hand and clearly plans to quite literally fuse Tebow with his current starter, Mark Sanchez, to create the ultimate quarterback.

Sanchez is a pretty boy with an ego as brittle as Gregg Williams’ moral compass. But, he can throw the ball. (Sort of.) Tebow is an otherworldly-intangible-laden fullback quarterback who fires the pigskin with all the accuracy of man at a gas station urinal.

Together, they create, well, a pretty average quarterback. Which is why the Jets still suck.

In Which Manning, Tebow, and Luck Spin a Story

The NFL weaves an ever-more-complicated web each season, across seasons. And this year’s biggest story was no different.

The Broncos handed the reigns to Tim Tebow mid-season to accomplish two things: assuage fans clamoring to see the popular quarterback, and tank an already abysmal 1-4 season for a chance at once-in-a-generation prospect Andrew Luck.

Tim Tebow, with the blessing of head coach John Fox executive vice president/Broncos legend John Elway Almighty God, led Denver to an 8-8 record, a division title, and a playoff win over Pittsburgh. In doing so, he ruined the Broncos’ chance at Luck and, let’s face it, royally pissed off Elway.

The Colts, having lost a season due to Peyton Manning’s neck surgery, tanked to earn the right to select Andrew Luck. In doing so, they made the decision to part ways with an all-world quarterback who probably still has gas left in the tank.

The Broncos, under the influence of John Elway, lured Manning from home-ish (Tennessee) and the best chance to win (San Francisco). It was an amazing come-from-behind win for Elway as an executive.

Basically, Tim Tebow saved his job from Andrew Luck and played his way into losing it to Peyton Manning. Me, I’m thinking the story still has a few strands to weave before it’s all said and done.

One Place Mitt Isn’t Out of Context: A Tropical Island

So Mitt Romney won a primary in a place called Rich Port? Tell me everyone is destroying this joke. Or that he has once again destroyed the field in an island where one might take an exotic vacation.

In honor of Mitten and the 20 delegates he won tonight, here’s a collection of my favorite Mitt Doesn’t Get It quotes—taken out of context to varying degrees of truthiness:

Asked how he truly feels about the unemployment rate in America: “I like being able to fire people.”

Asked if he follows racin’: “Not as closely as some of the most ardent fans, but I have some friends who are NASCAR team owners.”

Asked if he stays awake at night, pondering the plight of the less fortunate: “I’m not concerned about the very poor.”

Asked if his wife drives only one Cadillac: “My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs, actually.”

Asked if he’s ever used a derogatory term for owners of NFL teams: “I’ve got a lot of good friends, the owner of the Miami Dolphins and the New York Jets…”

Spray and Newter 2012

Following a night in which Newt Gingrich failed to capture either of two Deep South states up for grabs, many in the GOP (and, according to Gingrich, the “elite media”) have called for the former Speaker to step aside and allow Santorum to challenge Romney one on one.

However, some within the conservative establishment and punditry (sorry—redundant) are beginning to wonder if the two may combine forces at the Tampa convention. One of Gingrich’s senior advisers even implied that a Santorum-Gingrich ticket might be a powerful possibility. What might this rue-some twosome be called? Take the night off, Jon Stewart. We’ve got an idea.

(Give it a moment.)

Gingrich Rips Media (Yawn), Refuses to Drop

Newt Gingrich, who never misses a chance to deride the media, took time for another shot during his concession speech Tuesday night. Following his zero victories in Alabama, Mississippi, and Hawaii, the twice-former-GOP-front-runner said:

“The elite media’s efforts to convince the nation that Mitt Romney is inevitable just collapsed.”

Taken alone, one might suppose this meant that Newt was stepping aside to allow Santorum to consolidate the conservative base and overtake Romney. Fortunately for those of us enjoying the former Speaker’s antics (the guy is clearly fucking with everyone, right?), he has no intention of doing so.

(Note: Clearly, by “elite media” Newt means everyone but himself.)